Tuesday, July 18, 2006

the fight inside

Jealous........... yes i feel it, and has seemed to have been a topic of late, leaving me wondering why do i allow it to rush me and alter me?

why do feelings like this come up, no matter how much you trust the person? Is it fear of loss? lets explore, yes this does come to mind. Someone else woo's the other person, we all know in the very short term the greener grass thing gets some people. How hard is it to be perfect long enough to screw up someones head? Ever been in a dead relationship where its make up break up? Every break up had a valid reason. You left in the first place for a very good reason, or just because you knew it was wrong. Yet a few right words, proper button pushed and you want to think the other person cares enough to change. I did this when i was 17-21 with a girl. dating or not i always wound up back, and everytime, she met a 'better deal' for a second. I can say i learned, i always knew it was not a forever, but it was a comfort zone, knew what to expect even if the expectation was pain.

Is it fear of not being good enough? Yes, fits in. Am i enough to keep this person happy forever? You know, you trust, you believe, but its in them. In you, there is doubt, not in your ability to love them forever, but in What your role is/could be. Am i strong enough, am i good enough, i know its the like the old saturday night live skit, but it rattles in your head. Its a change of what drives you, before you wantto be the absolute best cuz you want to crush anyone who you feel is competeing with you. Suddenly its because you do not want to let someone else down. that can be a hard gear change. its an external source and you never really know fully what others expect..... and now you scramble to cover more than you can. Clear and defined goals??? no more, now its a searchlight checking the grounds for anything out of place.

last part?? desire to be more, better, perfect. sounds like the last one doesn't it? except this is more internal than external. its not the expectations of them you are hoping to fulfill, but the expectations you place on yourself. The actions are similiar but its more what you hink is perfect. you view your own flaws and look forthe fixes. Sadly what you see as a flaw may not be, might be what is loved to begin with. Now your fixing what aint broken.... and you are doing it according to some sick self perspective of yourself. Know what, alone i can watch the laundry pile up, the kitchen can be a bit of a mess, i can go a couple of dayswithout a razor. Know she is coming, is around, watch how often i shave. 2x a day if i feel a hair, and i barely beard.

Last, is this healthy? on one side yes, keeps you on your toes, makes you appreciate the other person, you actually want to be everything, and try. Most things fail when effort stops. i will never fail at anything that matters due to lack of effort. on the other side, its stressful. Sleep becomes harder, food becomes less important, and time delegation alters. So whats the balance? Hell if i know, i am looking for the answer myself....... feel free to have one.

Monday, July 10, 2006

A shared life

I remember when i was a much younger and a guy i knew told me that marriage and the thought of it was an outdated concept. that it was developed when life expectancy was 40 and 'forever' was an idea thats easy to perceive when it means 20 years, not a second longer. this idea hit home when my B/F's father passed after 24 years of marriage, right before we graduated. This idea was pounded home when my parents divorced after 23 years. For years i used to honestly think outside of my fathers parents, i had no example in my life on how to actually make such a thing work. I looked around and saw all the people i knew come from either a home of a second marriage, or a single parent home.

I have done some long term relationships, though in them i was always the voice of dissent. Why get married? we can break up cheaper as a couple without lawyers involved! Moving in? ok, but you keep your own name!! And make sure that i never find panties hanging in the shower, i hate that. And thus i lived life, get close, no not that close... back up. Sure we can 'share' but not this, and not that, and sure as fuck not that. Oh you want more? well let me introduce you too a few people, maybe that can help. they offer more?? might wanna go that route.... i will be a witness later if needed. Get it? Refusal to share the inner most portions of myself. I looked at my parents, totally different, looked at couples who should have been twins, totally the same, neither got along for long, and thought i could not find the perfect mix, the same and the different where the mix would work. lets face facts, if you read more than one of my posts, i am nuts, so you must be sane where i am crazy. i am smart, but how i am is very directed, you would need a specific knowledge set to counter act mine.... fill in my voids. Would need to be able to laugh when i do what i do best.... act out. would need to understand sarcasm, cuz thats how i am, and not feel offended when its directed maybe toward you. understand i think in extremes, yet walk the middle.

34 years. 16 of which i have for reasons i never got had people tell me they want to spend a lifetime around me..... HEELLLOOOOOO?!?!?!? you paying attention?

never said it back, explored yes, thought what if.... could i?? never yes, just could i.

Well as is obvious i am re-thinking the world, and this is an area that is definitely explored.

Now i stand on the other side of the fence. I get to explore the way these people may or may not have felt. i doubt they did, but they definitely felt a need for developing a life plan. I always assumed i would not live long enough to make it matter, now i wanna live forever. Fucking another of gods jokes on humanity? No, his way of showing existance i guess. I find myself saying God alot more than i can ever remember before, and is never followed by dammit..... you can say one without the other? guess so.....

So i stand on my side of the street, swim in a desire, hope to not drown, and wish i had better swimming lessons as a kid. its always one foot in front of the other.... wish i could step in the street and stop traffic, but my job is to be there waiting.


I wait.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

The Long road to finding home

Back in the houston area and trying to re-learn my way around. Its odd to me i have only been gone a year and i look around and sooo much has changed. things that were always there are gone, places that were fields are now strip centers. Yet it is the same city, i have left the house 2x now to go meet people out and try to make contacts in my search to be gainfully employed in a stable manner again.... wow has that been a while,and try to keep my sanity.
Home is good, but i remembered the pitfalls of knowing alot of people. the 4th of july was family time, something i was suprised i missed as much as i did.

God how those kids have grown. God how i missed playing with them. I sat with my brother in law and heard him tell me how i need to get my old self back. How he loved to live vicariously through me. Theres the pitfall i have no intent on stepping back into it. I could go straight to rock-star lifestyle here quickly, but then the lessons of the year are wasted.

Took 3 moves and alot of bumps to make one big circle around this country. When i left I only really cared about work/career, image to a degree, money in the bank and the stuff in my house. Well most of that is gone, and i find i do not care. I made a great big circle to find humility, family, something that matter more than anything i could ever buy, no matter how fat the wallet becomes. 3 moves to find the true Adult me, yes i can still be obnoxious, yes i can still get outlandish, but when its time to go to sleep at night, when i wake in the morning, whenever i look in a mirror, i can now see the next step in the journey. I truly know where home exists. Anyone wanna grab my hand and go for a walk?