Tuesday, July 18, 2006

the fight inside

Jealous........... yes i feel it, and has seemed to have been a topic of late, leaving me wondering why do i allow it to rush me and alter me?

why do feelings like this come up, no matter how much you trust the person? Is it fear of loss? lets explore, yes this does come to mind. Someone else woo's the other person, we all know in the very short term the greener grass thing gets some people. How hard is it to be perfect long enough to screw up someones head? Ever been in a dead relationship where its make up break up? Every break up had a valid reason. You left in the first place for a very good reason, or just because you knew it was wrong. Yet a few right words, proper button pushed and you want to think the other person cares enough to change. I did this when i was 17-21 with a girl. dating or not i always wound up back, and everytime, she met a 'better deal' for a second. I can say i learned, i always knew it was not a forever, but it was a comfort zone, knew what to expect even if the expectation was pain.

Is it fear of not being good enough? Yes, fits in. Am i enough to keep this person happy forever? You know, you trust, you believe, but its in them. In you, there is doubt, not in your ability to love them forever, but in What your role is/could be. Am i strong enough, am i good enough, i know its the like the old saturday night live skit, but it rattles in your head. Its a change of what drives you, before you wantto be the absolute best cuz you want to crush anyone who you feel is competeing with you. Suddenly its because you do not want to let someone else down. that can be a hard gear change. its an external source and you never really know fully what others expect..... and now you scramble to cover more than you can. Clear and defined goals??? no more, now its a searchlight checking the grounds for anything out of place.

last part?? desire to be more, better, perfect. sounds like the last one doesn't it? except this is more internal than external. its not the expectations of them you are hoping to fulfill, but the expectations you place on yourself. The actions are similiar but its more what you hink is perfect. you view your own flaws and look forthe fixes. Sadly what you see as a flaw may not be, might be what is loved to begin with. Now your fixing what aint broken.... and you are doing it according to some sick self perspective of yourself. Know what, alone i can watch the laundry pile up, the kitchen can be a bit of a mess, i can go a couple of dayswithout a razor. Know she is coming, is around, watch how often i shave. 2x a day if i feel a hair, and i barely beard.

Last, is this healthy? on one side yes, keeps you on your toes, makes you appreciate the other person, you actually want to be everything, and try. Most things fail when effort stops. i will never fail at anything that matters due to lack of effort. on the other side, its stressful. Sleep becomes harder, food becomes less important, and time delegation alters. So whats the balance? Hell if i know, i am looking for the answer myself....... feel free to have one.


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