Monday, July 10, 2006

A shared life

I remember when i was a much younger and a guy i knew told me that marriage and the thought of it was an outdated concept. that it was developed when life expectancy was 40 and 'forever' was an idea thats easy to perceive when it means 20 years, not a second longer. this idea hit home when my B/F's father passed after 24 years of marriage, right before we graduated. This idea was pounded home when my parents divorced after 23 years. For years i used to honestly think outside of my fathers parents, i had no example in my life on how to actually make such a thing work. I looked around and saw all the people i knew come from either a home of a second marriage, or a single parent home.

I have done some long term relationships, though in them i was always the voice of dissent. Why get married? we can break up cheaper as a couple without lawyers involved! Moving in? ok, but you keep your own name!! And make sure that i never find panties hanging in the shower, i hate that. And thus i lived life, get close, no not that close... back up. Sure we can 'share' but not this, and not that, and sure as fuck not that. Oh you want more? well let me introduce you too a few people, maybe that can help. they offer more?? might wanna go that route.... i will be a witness later if needed. Get it? Refusal to share the inner most portions of myself. I looked at my parents, totally different, looked at couples who should have been twins, totally the same, neither got along for long, and thought i could not find the perfect mix, the same and the different where the mix would work. lets face facts, if you read more than one of my posts, i am nuts, so you must be sane where i am crazy. i am smart, but how i am is very directed, you would need a specific knowledge set to counter act mine.... fill in my voids. Would need to be able to laugh when i do what i do best.... act out. would need to understand sarcasm, cuz thats how i am, and not feel offended when its directed maybe toward you. understand i think in extremes, yet walk the middle.

34 years. 16 of which i have for reasons i never got had people tell me they want to spend a lifetime around me..... HEELLLOOOOOO?!?!?!? you paying attention?

never said it back, explored yes, thought what if.... could i?? never yes, just could i.

Well as is obvious i am re-thinking the world, and this is an area that is definitely explored.

Now i stand on the other side of the fence. I get to explore the way these people may or may not have felt. i doubt they did, but they definitely felt a need for developing a life plan. I always assumed i would not live long enough to make it matter, now i wanna live forever. Fucking another of gods jokes on humanity? No, his way of showing existance i guess. I find myself saying God alot more than i can ever remember before, and is never followed by dammit..... you can say one without the other? guess so.....

So i stand on my side of the street, swim in a desire, hope to not drown, and wish i had better swimming lessons as a kid. its always one foot in front of the other.... wish i could step in the street and stop traffic, but my job is to be there waiting.


I wait.


At 1:01 PM, Blogger thephoenixnyc said...

Well I am engaged to be married for a second time. I have spent a lot of time ruminating about what marraige means.

Before and after my fist and now as well.

I'm a bit older now and more mature and understand what it means on much different level.

Plus the prospect of being in my 40s and still acting like i was in my 20's and 30's well, it sjust not an appealing thought.

At 7:06 PM, Blogger Liar_Liar said...

Growing up is a bitch when you are not ready to do so. I truly see myself as more adult than i ever thought i could be, On the subject of marriage i think its more the couple than anything else. It has to be the perfect blend.....

think dark roast with a nice french roast...

wheres my coffee mate?

At 8:19 AM, Blogger Rantirator said...

*digs bottle out of fridge*

Toffee-nut okay dear?

PS - Phoenix: congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I wish you and your fiance a lifetime of love, understanding, and mutual growth.

(because that's what I think marriage should be!)

At 5:09 PM, Blogger Glitzy said...

I'm not a proponent of marriage in the sense of the legal structure of it. If my guy and I were to get married we'd have to pay more taxes than we pay now separately, yet if either of us didn't work, we'd get a tax break. That pisses me off.

I remember reading one of phoneix's posts on marriage and how that lead me to my own post. I am in a comitted monogamous relationship that has had its share of ups and downs but has really been the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had. Your does have to be the perfect blend. I have no idea how I got as lucky as I did but I wish for you to find it, man


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