Friday, August 04, 2006

Punch Drunk Girlfriends

Just a short i wrote.... makes me laugh when i re-read......


As a boy I was always taught from a very early age that hitting girls was not acceptable to the point of where if I witness a girl getting hit I cannot stand by and watch or look the other way. Fastest route to have the fathers of the neighbor hood come down on you like a ton of bricks was easily hit any daughter. Not just her father but all fathers would get a lick or two in. Since I was a boy I have never once made a threatening gesture towards a woman no matter how pissed off I found myself by her, no matter what the situation, I can take the slap and walk away.
In my mid 20’s I had this belief structure tested and made myself really stop and think about how far this can go, as always it revolved around a girl. The girl, Nikki, was a tiny little thing, hot body and fun loving. Shocking as this may be but a stripper going to school that was a lot of fun to have around, always game for a drink and a good time, clothing was always an option even if it was just while making dinner (and a few times answering the door for a pizza, where was she when I delivered??). We could lay around all day and watch funny porn, midgets, fat chicks, obscenely sized male members to the point of comedy or go out dancing all night and see who could get the most phone numbers with the loser having to do whatever the winner wanted which of course meant sex. I cannot recall looking backward of a day we were not laughing and playing and doing something or nothing fun.
Then one night we went out drinking and running around acting silly and would have been like any normal night where one wonders how I ever got home. Walking in the door she was inside and I turned around to lock the door to keep us in for the night asking if she wanted me to make us something to snack on when suddenly my head hit the door so hard I collapsed. I have no way of knowing how long I was out or dazed (for anyone ever hit silly its kinda surreal and time disappears) but when I came too she was still standing over me screaming at the top of her lungs how I don’t understand and this or that was not fair. In my semi-conscious state I must have mumbled something that calmed or corrected whatever the issue was but she slowly calmed down and smiling resumed and do I wanna ‘wink wink’ go to bed now? Granted I was contused so normal thought was not with me but somehow the whole thing turned into an almost foreplay.
It was not until days later I actually realized, I was just sucker punched by a chick. I’m not of the macho stereotype who thinks of woman as the softer species or any of that crap and have always been aware that an adult wants to, they can do some real damage to another and I don’t care what gender this starts from. I mentioned what happened to no one being that I like to think i'm smart enough not to think that I would not be tormented by any male friends who heard I was cold cocked by a girl but sad as it sounds, that’s exactly what happened. This of course made me start to question whether or not the belief structure I grew up with was realistic, how far can a person go before those ‘rules’ we live by go out the window and I get to Mike Tyson (early career) the bitch? At what point does a lady lose the circle of automatic protection even from a military, hard line ruled all American boy like me? Welcome to my conundrum.
Well weeks continued and things pretty much were back to normal when we did a pool layout day. Spent all day Saturday laying poolside drinking a few, glaring at the other apartment residents who were checking out Nikki’s way to small bikini while I burned my skin and the burgers feeling pretty much great. Sun disappears and so does her demure, walk inside my apartment and next thing I’m in a Jet Li flick called bitch with a thousand fists and I’m ducking weaving and swerving trying to avoid all of them while random…
“Honey what the fuck………..”
“Can we calm down and discuss what’s bothering…………”
“OW!! Can you just fucking back off and tell me what’s wrong”
…was flying out of mouth as fast as she could re-cock those fists and send the next barrage my way. Of course my masculine side would love to say I was Mohammad Ali in there and was weaving in and out rope a doping away, but I’m a horrible liar, the male side when discussing a fight requires us to say I got my licks in and you should see the other guy, but I never raised a hand. End result: morning after apology for the black eye and broken dishes, score Nikki 2, Me 0.
Temptation kicked in to ask my father when this rule no longer applies, so like an idiot I did what no man should ever do, sat down over a beer and tried to have a father son conversation; in a bar. As I sit across from the male figure I am in theory supposed to gain wisdom and try broaching the subject and looking for insight without having to actually tell of my problem, hot girl, lots of fun, great sex, gets drunk and beats my ass, try telling your father that one.
“So Pops, just for arguments sake when would you, I dunno, change the oil in a sports car, 3000 or 5000 miles? I mean it’s a cost versus wear question but a guy’s gotta know.”
“Me?? 3000, gotta keep those baby’s in good condition or you start to lose performance, I know when I had my little 2 seater I was in the yard every Saturday fine tuning that baby, and always kept clean oil in her”
“Cool, and another question, Been watchin a bunch of football lately and I think the Giants really have a shot this year, Simms looks good, LT is a maniac, who do you thinks got it?”
“Miami Dolphin’s, never bet against Shula, man still only one to do a perfect season, and that Marino kid has the best arm in the game, if I was betting, Dolphin’s.”
“WOW, good points pop, thanks, oh and when exactly is it ok to crack a chick in the mouth?”
“Holy mother a’ fuck, never. EVER, hey Joe commere, you ever hit a girl? What would your gunny have done to you if you smacked some girl? Yeah, mine woulda had me cleaning latrines with my tongue for a century, then sent me home for my dad to kick my ass, then brought me back just to make my life even worse, Never son, situation don’t exist.”
Thanks dad.
So I continue down my road of hanging out with this girl, who is a blast minus this funny little quirk that something snaps after a certain amount of drinks, were I get 3 weeks of great followed by a Bruce Lee imitation. It’s now gotten to the point where in her drunken rampage she knows I will not hit back so she is daring me too, taunting and trash talking and flat sticking her chin out wanting me to fight back. Granted I was young, thinking with blinkie and realize I should have been out of there on the second event but it happened, and even me suggesting we do something else besides drink, which in your early 20’s IS your hobby. Worse, I know if I just plant one right on her button she will not ever consider hitting me again, and I’m starting to think alcohol has become an excuse, not a trigger.
Well, we are now a month down the line from my conversation with the man on the mountain I affectionately call Pop’s, and things are pretty much rolling along like this where I cannot decide which version of Nikki is real and how do I get out of this since the other trigger is now me suggesting a time out or maybe stop seeing each other of something, where she now causes a scene and disturbs my neighbors by screaming to a point I’m now scared the police are coming and god knows what might come out of her mouth to them about what’s going on. I can honestly say that i am fed up, feeling trapped, and see no way out without being handcuffed (scary not sure which would be worse, by her or a cop). But I am desperately looking for the door, plotting my lease to run out and quickly moving while she is at school or work or shit, I could do it in the time she went to get a pack of Marlboros if I needed too. Were laying around, naked, watching the news and I finally decided maybe we should talk, so I gently, in a calm ‘please step away from the ledge’ voice bring up the subject while were sober enough to staaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy calm, that the violent out bursts must stop, I do not like being hit, it is not sexy, not my idea of foreplay, in fact, I think I’m going impotent from this since I do not want to touch you anymore. Sad as the words are coming out of my mouth but i am getting scared, what’s going to happen you flip out with something like….. ohhhhhh….. A frigging knife in your hand? We going Lorraine Bobbitt next?? I see no end in sight for this so either it stops or we have to not ever be around each other.
Well wonders never cease since despite my entire coo the wild beast voice, rabid dog handling technique, naked vulnerable, no alcohol in the house planning, she flips, and I mean flips out. “Motherfucker how dare you give me an ultimatum, how can you sit there and act this is my entire fault, you bring this out, you cause this, you don’t care if i am happy or sad or what I been through or how I feel for you or anything. You cold hearted bastard how dare you threaten to break up with me” with a punch at every period.
Then, out of nowhere I had the moment; we all have them, an epiphany of sorts, a realization of all the past mistakes, missteps, lack of grasping the situation as a whole. Buddha never had a moment of clarity like this, Confucius would have filled volumes with the understanding of the world, the sense of nature and oneness with the universe I felt as my nirvana descended upon me and the road lit up like the North Star guiding slaves to freedom. My way to salvation, my way to happiness, my third eye is open and I can now see!! So I reached out ever so gently making certain that in spite of her fighting and attempts to wrestle away she was firmly in my arms. I engulfed her in my being and held her so close, so tightly that her movements could easily have been mistaken and nestling in. So while holding her so, as one would a child mid tantrum, I whispered “Nikki, this is wrong, this must stop, this is not the way”, And I carried her loony ass and dropped her on her butt naked and all, at 4:30 in the afternoon, out the front door, slammed it shut, locked it, and proceeded to toss her clothes and keys and purse from the balcony informing her loud enough for witnesses to not ever, ever, come back here. I then walked inside proud of the realization, I may not be capable of striking a woman, but I can sure as fuck kick one out of my house at will.
Years later I was running a night club and was suckered into letting some frat guys throw one of their rush parties there when I saw Nikki at the bar. She was in the tail end of her MBA program and was attending since her sorority was sister house to theses frat tools. Well I spent the better part of the evening pretending I did not recognize her hoping she would not me, but around midnight I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to her staring at me.
“Hey, how have you been?”
“I have been well, keeping busy, finished school, manage this place now”
“Hey that’s great, you look great, it’s been way too long”
“Yes it has been a while, you look the same, hope all is well, you should be about ready to graduate”
“Yeah, in the fall, can’t wait, doing internships now, going to be awesome”
“Congratulations, hope it works out like you always wanted”
“That’s very nice of you too say, WOW, I can’t believe its you, we should do something and catch up, would be wonderful to fill in the years” “So……….. After I drop off my sisters I could meet you somewhere, what are you doing later?”
“Not you Bitch, anything but you.”