Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Holiday season is upon me

I hate this time of year, Did I say Hate?? I meant HATE. From the second what we call the 4th quarter begins, on through new years. October 1 on.

I always have, I can not ever remember being excited about the run of holidays I have to somehow get through without feeling sad. I understand hiliday depression is common, I also know that with them all so crunched together it makes alot of people anxious. I am just not convinced that it what bothers me. I have had times where I just tried to make the best of it. I even have some memories of incredibly wonderful holidays, usually when I break tradition. Maybe its part a lack of any tradition of my own, outside of disappearing.

I generally do not like holidays anyway. If it is a gift giving one, i always go on some kind of quest for the perfect gift, not sure if I have ever succeeded but always try to produce a perfect something.

Valentines?? I flash through hundreds of conversations and try to produce the perfect romantic scenerio, exactly what the other person wants, would like, would make them know they are special. Again,I either over look one important factor, or wind up just cooking for myself.

Don't even ask me about easter........ friggin rabbit.

But this stretch, Halloween, 2 weeks, Birthday, 2 weeks, Thanksgiving, 2 week hanukka, 1 weeks Christmas, 1 week New years. Maybe its too much too fast, maybe it's too much trying to be 'family', maybe I just feel lonely during it. But I still find myself hating it again.

But I have remembered i do love dogs...... there is something.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Return of the C.

I know I know, revelations is a chapter in the bible and in modern days who cares about the bible. Except as I now know, who reads this shit anyway so might as well say it all. Might as well just keep on tapping out my bad spelling and non-existant grammer revalations. Let the good times roll.

tonght i popped out a sentence I had not said in a very long time. The second I said it, I wondered why the hell not? Then I realized I am coming off the best and worst year of my adult life.

Recap: So far this year i have been fired for bad reasons (lies) while good ones did exist, but not why I was fired. ost love more times than I could count, been Layed off because I fixed things too fast and became 'obsolete' and quit a Job that paid OK because it bored me too death and being there became a monster for me. Lived in 3 cities, and generally been so unbalanced I barely know me.

Fired: Living in Denver, shit happening, and forgot what was most important. This carries over to other things, I do what I do because IT IS FUN. You get to set up a party daily. Friends come over and you make sure the food it right, they have plenty to drink, and all the guests are having fun. I have always done this, home or work, done this. And suddenly it became a job, suddenly it became second fiddle, suddenly it became a choir. moved on. Wish I could say it did not get way too deep in my head, Wish it did not mess me up going from golden child to 'must get rid of'. Which this had not shook me to my core, made me doubt who I am, what I know, and that i can do ANYTHING. Except grammer........

Quit: So the place was ghetto, done that. So the staff could care less, done that. So the bosses had no clue what to do and all looked to me to fix it since they had no clue how too, done that. The difference this time was I did not believe in the place either. It was DESIGNED to draw ghetto, if you can not see it your blind. Do not promise a future you can not deliver, I am gonna be fired one day and personally i prefer not too be, not when i have:

Layed off: Incredible offer. Points on the back side, lower salary but all kinds of creative influence. Fix the current issues so I can expand faster. Tell me when I can not afford something since I do not kow on my own. Design systems for me since I have none. All sounds great unless you solve issues too fast. Design systems faster than expected and now the 'brain' thinks you will not be needed so why give you points off of gross. Make an excuse, fuck you, and pretend to feel bad while hiding behind employees. Bitches.

So back to tonight, Had a waitress babbling about her issues and damn them and its not fair and i am in a bad mood whateverthefuck crap she whined about. Out of nowhere i recall, I do this because its FUN. I know I can earn more elsewhere. I know I can work less doing something else. But; I like what i do, I am VERY good at it. So no matter what, I do this because I like it. Something I have forgotten for all of '06, Something I can not forget again. When you forget who you are, and what you are capable of, you forget you have a soul. And if I have a soul, it wants to poke all the other souls in the eye. Just to say I did it. Insert Hip-hop background music anywhere you wanna, its the return of the C.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

you do it?

I get all kinds of time to stop and think about things. Driving, especially working these days since its pretty mindless at this point. Walk in circles and save people all day. Tough huh? So I have had it brought to my attention (like it was not there already) of errors I have made, ok lets call it what it is, the numerous ways I have fucked up in recent times, mostly the last year.

I destablized. I quit doing what I do best, I believed in something stronger than I believed in myself. It is a very tough intraspect to acknowledge, you fuck up, yet you do not when you think like this. Priorities get jumbled, for some reason you see the future work itself out just because, well because it is supposed too. Call it a fairy tale mindset. A person is forced to believe in what they never believed in, and now has to try to figure out if anything they have ever believed holds water. I could compare it to an atheist meeting God face to face, all of a sudden what you know for fact, becomes maybe, what you doubt, becomes possible, and let me tell you it is a weird moment to work through.

Well since I do love to share my epiphony moments, the one thing I always did that made me succeed at anything, for reasons I can not readily explain, I quit doing. Reguardless of how I debate, I do not know everything, get off the floor Phoenix. I am smart, but there are holes in my knowledge base. Dispite my past actions, I am not invincible, lucky maybe, but not invincible. Most sadly I know I am not the 'lone wolf' type i always maintained in my head, I do actually need others, as much as I hate asking for help, or feeling alone when I am, sometimes we all do need it, and yes, I do feel that way.

Now the thing I can say I do better than anyone I have ever met, the thing I do that has always made me suceed, whether it be work, or hockey, or anything. I am willing to go further, dig deeper, try harder, than anyone on this planet. Its like a Bugs and Sam moment where they run back and forthe going from a stick until they build up to cannons. Who will go just that one more step. That is me, that is what makes me how I am, makes me better. When I play hockey I always told my teammates, who are still begging me to return, I am not the best player by any stretch, i do not have the best vision, shot, wheels, anything. My job is to make the other team work harder than they want too. My job is to make them test their nerve, will, and drive. And from this we were a better team than we were based on skill alone.

When I was last in Houston and working for Baker Street, i made my assistants better by setting a pace they did not want to work, but if I was doing it then they had better at least keep up. And we did some great things.

When I coached, I drove my will into these kids and made them want it more than the other teams. And they did what they had no business doing, winning.

So excuse the slow postings, I have things I need to make work, things i need to push further than skill or brains or anything else can take them. I need to work from my strengths, and quit letting my weaknesses shine. Time to let insticts take back over, the unstoppable force is going through the immovable object......

Saturday, October 14, 2006

A history of good enough

It is very interesting to me how sometimes in life you hear how you can not do things. I find it odd since the person saying it is probably the last one who should be, and this includes ourselves. An interesting observation I once knew that for some reason I keep forgetting; When you are in a position of strength people flock to you, trying to feed off of it, when you are in a position of weakness and look for someone to help you regain strength? The people you felt you can depend on flee, and others shock you. In my life, I can think of 3 who have said this to me too many times, and I think it is about time I said I do not agree.

The first is my father, the war hero with no specific story to tell on why he is, but god damn it he is. As far as I know, he never fired a weapon, stormed the hill, or saved the whatever. But he is the war hero. I will never measure up. I will never understand. I can never do anything important enough to be half the man he is. I recall gorwing up, being threatened if I did not do the little bullshit we make kids do, was never please, was always an order. Military don't ya know. He was never home, was never a kind word, was never a role model, was never a father. I dispise that I still carry a stigma on this, I dispise that maybe, somewhere in my head, I sabatoge myself because the easiest way to get along with him is to let him feel right. I do not know if I can break the cycle, but for the forst time I know how that relationship works. Also, for the first time, I can say out loud, I carried your weak ass through a fucking divorce, I have never asked you for a thing in my adult life except respect me, and if it is not there, Neither am I.

The second is me. Sounds funny but it is true, I push myself down, I fear doing more, doing better, doing something successfully. I take it to a point, and run. I take it to a point, and freeze, I know 200x what I allow others to see, I can do more than anyone on this planet knows. Somewhere in my head, I revert to the 6 year old who was left behind with his face in the dirt. Somewhere in my head I do not know how to fight back or really wish for once someone else would for me. Just once. Call it abandonment issues, call it repressed feelings, but for some reason I am so much better at encouraging others, bringing the best out of others, than I am with myself. For some reason I fight for others, and let myself take the beating. I used to train door men telling them if some is to take the hit it is me, you prevent the second one. And I always took the hit. I am realizing the only real person who can say I can not is me, and I refuse to ever accept it again. No. More.

The third is tricky, they say it when they are stressed, and sadly I gave this power to them, mostly because they said they would not abuse it. Revalations are very hard when they are close to the heart, when they are right in front of you. Especially when they mean so much. But god damn it, no. more. I can see my reality and it is no longer through my eyelids.

If I have to scream it from skyscrapers, If I have to do a media buy and say it on national TV. If I have to take it on the chin, it will no longer be hit the dirt, wipe my face, and pretend like nothing hurts. I am sick of hiding, I will not. I am sick of pretending like everything rolls off me like I am scotch guarded, I am not. Mostly I am sick of being told what I can do and what I can not, so stick around and see what I can do, or hide and believe that its nothing. I will no longer be the one who is afraid, I will no longer be the one who lets the indoctrination of my parents rule me, I leave that for those who can not.

Today, Tommorrow, I can.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

First day's

I remeber both of my first days in Texas. First go round I was about 12, all full of my New York, ' I aint taking nothin from no one' self. I walked to the only store I could possibly make the walk too, and crossed what I learned was a bayou. If you do not know a bayou is a riverway of sorts, usually used for storm run off and to keep the city of Houston from drifting off into the Gulf of Mexico. Well I am on this very narrow bridge when some Billy Bob is coming from the other side and i try to make room and he tells me to move. Now no self respecting kid from New York is going to take this so I tell him, 'um, you move, or make room at least.'.

All I recall is a 30' drop, yells of Yankee from above, and some cold water and sharp rocks piercing my skin. Welcome to Texas, I may be 4 years older but I will hit you, U.S.of A.

I pulled myself out and finished the walk to the store to get my school supplies, but I did learn. I learned that sometimes you do have to take a certain amount of shit to get to the other side. We all do wish to just make it to that other side.

My next first day was filled with happy memories of food, phone calls to old friends to let em know I have returned. Not the conquering hero but definitely a return. Pleasant hopes for tommorrow, exhaustion after 2 long days of driving, but an eye on tommorrow. It is always a day away is it not? So I went out with my oldest friend, one I met not long after my sudden drop into sewage and a week long limp. We went out and I had to figure out that the ideal of my return to most was much better than the truth of it. Alot of people here owed me for one thing or another, but myself prescribed code means much more to me than them. A huge troupe showed up, but they were more looking for a reason to get crazy for a night than happy to see me. Now I did not expect a parade, not by any means, a little ticker tape would be nice though. Since then those I thought I could count on, I can. To want to get nuts for a night, not pull things that I broke back together like some mother goose eggman. Those who wanted me back, have no time to actually enjoy the reality of it. Sometimes something means much more to you than i does to others.

So I guess I have learned, sometimes how you see things may not be completely correct, but I still want to make it to the other side of this damn bridge. So, 'Excuse me kind sir, do please walk on by' I have things I need to pick up, not fall on.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I think I am the lost Beastie Boy.

Well I am a skinny Jew, I have a punk rock background, I am on the verge of certifiable, I am mostly there.

Well Now don't you tell me to smile
You stick around I'll make it worth your while
Got numbers beyond what you can dial
Maybe it's because I'm so versatile
Traffic the rythm's i bring to you
down south boy yet i am still a jew
Bring your whole Klan, i brought my crew
style comin next what ya gonna do?
Style profile I said
It always brings me back when I hear Ooh Child
From the Hudson River out to the Nile
I run the marathon til the very last mile
If you battle me I will revile
People always say my style is wild
You've got gall you've got guile
To step to me I'm a rapophile
If you want to battle your in denial
Coming from Uranus to check my style
Go ahead put my rhymes on trial
Cast you off into exile

Intergalactic planetary
Planetary intergalactic

Jazz and Awol that's our team
Step inside the party disrupt the whole scene
When it comes to beats well I'm a fiend
I like my sugar with coffee and cream
Well I got to keep it going keep it going full steam
Too sweet to be sour too nice to be mean
On the tough guy style I'm not too keen
To try to change the world I will plot and scheme
Mario C likes to keep it clean
Gonna shine like a sun beam
Keep on rapping cause that's my dream
Got an A from Moe Dee for sticking to themes
Capital C will bring it smart
don't listen to the A it's not sharp
comin hard and comin tart
Phoenixes blog stinks just like a Fart
When it comes to envy y'all is green
Jealous of the rhyme and the rhyme routine
Another dimension new galaxy
Intergalactic planetary

Intergalactic planetary
Planetary intergalactic

From the family tree of old school hip hop
Kick off your shoes and relax your socks
The rhymes will spread just like a pox
Cause the music is live like an electric shock
I am known to do the Wop
Also known for the Flintstone Flop
Tammy D getting biz on the crop
Beastie Boys known to let the beat... drop
When I wrote graffiti my name was Slop
If my rap's soup my beats is stock
Step from the tables as I start to chop
I'm a lumber jack DJ Adrock
If you try to knock me you'll get mocked
I'll stir fry you in my wok
Your knees'll start shaking and your fingers pop
Like a pinch on the neck of Mr. Spock
Carry my jock and you will see
the weight alone will break you knee
don't be messin with the king Bee
i'll break you down as the capital C

Intergalactic planetary
Planetary intergalactic
Another dimension do it

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

We all need a hobby

Ok so I am moving to a place of zero tv (that I can understand anyway) and gonna be learning the lay of the land for a few months and getting all spanished up. So I keep thinking, I need a hobby. Well the one i came up with to date is I wanna learn how to make wine, not re-invent the wheel, i like the stuff i buy here, just reproduce a bit of it for personal consumption for me and the missus. Without going blind mind you.

So I been reading the process and looking at grapes (kick ass, zin grapes like it hot, knew I loved zins) and reading all the 'so you wanna learn how to make your own wine' things I can and have pretty much gathered expect a few failures. Start very small. Induce vomiting if its really that bad.

but I really think this could be fun, we all start somewhere. I was reminded of common acquaintence (less so me)who is actually going to school for this and after a year in school he still produced crap. Did I say crap?? sorry crap, did not mean to down grade you that much. But at current? I am still thinking if a grape can survive the sand flies and me, gonna have to do it. besides, want else am I gonna do after Bound sends me off to live with a honduran family for 4 weeks to beat spanish into me like its the inquisition and I am a heretic? "I believe, i believe..... what do you mean say it in spanish.....dammit"