Thursday, October 19, 2006

you do it?

I get all kinds of time to stop and think about things. Driving, especially working these days since its pretty mindless at this point. Walk in circles and save people all day. Tough huh? So I have had it brought to my attention (like it was not there already) of errors I have made, ok lets call it what it is, the numerous ways I have fucked up in recent times, mostly the last year.

I destablized. I quit doing what I do best, I believed in something stronger than I believed in myself. It is a very tough intraspect to acknowledge, you fuck up, yet you do not when you think like this. Priorities get jumbled, for some reason you see the future work itself out just because, well because it is supposed too. Call it a fairy tale mindset. A person is forced to believe in what they never believed in, and now has to try to figure out if anything they have ever believed holds water. I could compare it to an atheist meeting God face to face, all of a sudden what you know for fact, becomes maybe, what you doubt, becomes possible, and let me tell you it is a weird moment to work through.

Well since I do love to share my epiphony moments, the one thing I always did that made me succeed at anything, for reasons I can not readily explain, I quit doing. Reguardless of how I debate, I do not know everything, get off the floor Phoenix. I am smart, but there are holes in my knowledge base. Dispite my past actions, I am not invincible, lucky maybe, but not invincible. Most sadly I know I am not the 'lone wolf' type i always maintained in my head, I do actually need others, as much as I hate asking for help, or feeling alone when I am, sometimes we all do need it, and yes, I do feel that way.

Now the thing I can say I do better than anyone I have ever met, the thing I do that has always made me suceed, whether it be work, or hockey, or anything. I am willing to go further, dig deeper, try harder, than anyone on this planet. Its like a Bugs and Sam moment where they run back and forthe going from a stick until they build up to cannons. Who will go just that one more step. That is me, that is what makes me how I am, makes me better. When I play hockey I always told my teammates, who are still begging me to return, I am not the best player by any stretch, i do not have the best vision, shot, wheels, anything. My job is to make the other team work harder than they want too. My job is to make them test their nerve, will, and drive. And from this we were a better team than we were based on skill alone.

When I was last in Houston and working for Baker Street, i made my assistants better by setting a pace they did not want to work, but if I was doing it then they had better at least keep up. And we did some great things.

When I coached, I drove my will into these kids and made them want it more than the other teams. And they did what they had no business doing, winning.

So excuse the slow postings, I have things I need to make work, things i need to push further than skill or brains or anything else can take them. I need to work from my strengths, and quit letting my weaknesses shine. Time to let insticts take back over, the unstoppable force is going through the immovable object......


At 10:16 AM, Blogger Madame D said...

Sounds like you're getting your priorities back in order. Good luck on making it through the immovable object.

At 9:56 PM, Blogger Liar_Liar said...

Immovable object does not respect the unstoppable force. Bad sign.

At 9:47 PM, Blogger Madame D said...

Bad immovable object! Bad!

At 7:39 AM, Blogger thephoenixnyc said...

I'm crushed, you had finally convinced me you knew everything.

And now...The universe looks like a much more uncertain place.


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