A'int it Funny How?

2007-04-07T14:55:00.000-07:00

Another Tough day saving all of us from squirrels.

First fresh fruit Cabernet Aging

Century Plaza and somehow no security to our room, but i made one of my jounts to another room in underwear at 6 am, 3 beers later they turned down the music.

Palm Springs day after learning century plaza has REAlly HARD FLOORS.

Dallas Pre-Ghost Lounge, Think we were VIP'ed???

A quick lesson in manners

2007-01-30T11:04:00.000-08:00

So I walk into a fast food joint to grab a quick snack while running errends, order and stand off to the side yesterday. When a whole troop of high school kids around 16-18 walk in and scatter all over the room being loud like they tend to be.
Wll i have them tuned out as I ponder the mysteries of the universe and how slow fast food can be when i notice one of the do the old 'hey thanks for holding my spot' scam and jump to the front of a very long line directy in front of a couple of elderly woman.

Well me being me and my extreme dislike of a bully (minus myself of course) overtaking my dislike of the elderly, I of course lean in and actually quietly inform the kid that he was just rude, and cutting in front of old ladies not quite prep school behavior.

Well young and Dumb says "you should mind your own business buddy, your not even in line"
"well that is true" as i watch his cohorts snicker into their school jackets and try really hard not to look spoiled but street tough or something. "Yet still here I am telling you, you need to get to the back of the line."
"I will think about it buddy, hows that?"
"Ok, look scooter, I am sure your the coolest kid amongst these other bad mannered and worse haired lot you came in with, But I Guarantee you have not properly accessed the situation, now quit trying to act tough, get to the back of the line, or i will have to teach you a lesson in manners. Now."

Well scooter in his youthful exuberance looks at all his friends, looks at me, does some quick math, and crosses his arms in defiance.

"Ok Scooter, have it your way. OFFICER, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO A KID BULLYING SOME ELDERLY LADIES AND PUSHING HIS WAY IN FRONT OF THEM IN LINE?"

Enter the police officer quietly eating the corner i made when I walked in, and apparently little mr. privilage had not. Exit all the blood from 14 prep school kids faces.

"WHAT KIDS DID WHAT?!?!?" From the corner as a sargent stands up obviously displeased with his break being disturbed and even more so at kids messing with old woman.
"Thank you young man"
"you are very welcome ladies. Have a nice day scooter, did ya learn anything??"

I exited the building to a police officer asking which one of you brat's think you own the world. I just wish I could have heard the magic fun words of 'do you know who my father is' .......... Cuz that would have been priceless.

Should Spanking Kids Be Illegal?

2007-01-20T23:18:00.000-08:00

California is actualluy considering a law prohibiting spanking kids under 4.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

wanna get a 2 year olds attention??? pop that ass. want to corrct a 3 year old?? Same answer. And Arnold is actually backing it. Is he really Austrian?? Beating kids is a European invention I thought.

I say beat the little Bastards and go after the parents who do not do it, see how many 9 year old gang members you have now.

Writings #2

I stand at a fork in the road: A salad fork, not a cocktail fork.

A. Do nothing, Stay the path and do as I do, Where I do.

B. Move to L.A. on a wing and a prayer and work much more on what I want to be doing. It is coming along, slower than hoped but still on the move, Except do it from the great La La land.

C. Move elsewhere and accept an offer from an old thing, more money than now (increase enough to make me listen) Except they want me in a different market. So again move. Once for work, once for Love, Once for neccesity, need I do another?? But again more money.................

Ok D, cuz there is always a D. None of the Above. Which is essentialy A. but with more of an SAT feel.

And just too be fair:
E. Move to singapore where apparently the hospitality industry is looking for consultants+ BAD. Have an old friend there giving me the hard sell on that also...... they still cane people there ya know.

required puppy post:

dogs day afternoon

2007-01-19T13:34:00.000-08:00

So today I felt the need to bring kickstand out for an afternoon of fun.

Then the sun went down and out comes the hell hound!!!

>And just look at the end result.

Of Luxery..........

2007-01-11T19:38:00.000-08:00

A day in the life

2007-01-09T22:38:00.000-08:00

06: a work in progress.

2007-01-04T22:06:00.000-08:00

Rather than re-live this past year, let me summerize what i learned the hardest way imaginable, and it was post the year i learned it that I actually learned it.

Spent new years and the ensueing days going absolutely ape shit. got out of my little cave, went somewhere fun, saw some crazy stuff and led the way. Broke my partners nose, was an accident but i was the catalyst, went crazy that night with someone i know, but had never met, was removed from every restaurant/bar in the desert the following day. Went to bed at 8 am on the 3rd, was at work at noon, worked 10 hours basically alone, and was exhausted the whole time.

Well the lesson was at 8:30. I was out back smoking with 3 employee's and 2 chef's when we witnessed a car accident. Not a minor fender bender, but a freeway feeder, red light run, broadside.

" holy shit" someone said, though I honestly could not guess who.

"that was fucking wild" Again, anonomous.

All I saw was a woman get out of the van that ran the red light with a baby in her arms. I could clearly hear the woman screaming, cursing out the other car, cursing just to curse. What I could not hear, was a baby.......... nothing.

I dropped my cigarette and had 911 dialed as I sprinted through shin deep freezing water in a suit getting to her while screaming at 911 to get there, police and ambulance and hurry.

Got to the woman and found her suffocating the child into herself in her state of shock. Calmed her, got her to relax her grip, reminded her she could hurt the child... until i heard crying, in truth, maybe 45 seconds from the start of the running, felt like a week.

went car to car checking on the passangers, total, one dislocated shoulder, one broken nose from an air bag, along with powder burns, numerous minor cuts and bruises, and one thing I forgot, or maybe never knew: I can be fun, I can have fun, and still be responsible, still be reliable. still be the person you wanted close if you need someone,

really

need

someone.

Everyone else went inside after their smoke, I left just before the police arrived, but after the ambulance. Lesson learned. Happy new year.........

Aint it funny how

2006-12-30T23:21:00.000-08:00

End of the year.

End.

Everywhere i look i see 'year in review'. Makes me wonder if i really want to review my year. I mean really review it. No holds barred. Review.

Either internally or for my long lost readers............. Gawd, how often do you prefer to lie to yourself??? And writing a lie would be even worse...........

opinions???? or would you rather have more 3-legged dog photos?? 3 day voting pool.

Symbolic

2006-12-29T09:11:00.000-08:00

Ain't it though?

When I get busy

2006-12-18T17:00:00.000-08:00

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh the things you forget until you are back in it.

So, I am helping out this restaurant close by through the holiday's since they, well to be honest, really need help. So on my days off (off?!?!?) I bartend. Once upon a time I was a very talented bartender, once upon a time. So, the area of action is the service well, since it is party season and now we have 150 warehouse workers in a restaurant they can not afford and the guy who calls em worthless all year is picking up the tab, open bar.

Me vs. 150 warehouse workers on a friday, and they all have a hotel room across the street, and 2 hours to break the boss.

So i am moving, ripping out top shelf martini's like its the republican national convention and the kennedies crashed it. When i get hit with the perfect ticket.

For those alive who do not know what the perfect ticket is, think perfect storm and i am george clooney. 15 drinks, no two can be made at the same time, 3 or more need a blender, one blender, and not a pop and go beer in sight. The perfect 'crash the bar' ticket.

So the whole time i am ripping these out as fast as my 2 hands can move, all i hear is the printer going..... for the 10 minutes it takes to make 4 different flavored mojito's (if you drink them, I will kill someone you love in revenge) plus all the other crap on this ticket from hell.

When out of nowhere, in my head i hear Sinatra. yuppers, spirit of Frank came too me, and in my head i hear "New York, New York". Suddenly i am a drink making monster.

Back when, If I was truely in the weeds and so over whelmed I should be committing Hari Kari with my wine opener, I came right out when i heard that song, then I am in the Zone, then I can move faster than God, Then All is at peace.

So Yes, Bring the Spouse to your next event. Me and Frank got ya....... Whose thirsty???

The Birthday

2006-12-16T23:12:00.000-08:00

So tonight was my best friends b-day. it was a bunch of peeps he works with and me. So therefore tab arrives, and guess who is saddled. yup me. Fuckers, i arrived for a whole hour, had 2 drinks, the midnight shot, and spent 375, in a dive bar.

I am used to my birthday being a no big deal, I do not make a huge one out of it so I know noone else will either, but ffs....... your there 4 hours, not your day, and walk the tab???

Who are these people? Hint, if you care, it is on you too take care of the people you care about on their birthday, to make them feel special, otherwise you equate to whale shit, and you know where that sits................

Pain free surgery

2006-12-12T09:28:00.000-08:00

LOL............ Doctors lie, ok everyone lies but let me tell you, if a doctor tells you something will not hurt, hit them, smack on the nose, and call them a liar.

I have a dentist and he had to pull a tooth once, promised me a painfree extraction, then laughed, and reminded me there is no such thing as a pain free recovery. He told me the truth, never felt a thing while in the chair, afterwards I was a mess for a couple of days, but hooked me up while in his care.

now md's?? They seem to invent new ways to harm you, ok end result may be better, but the process? wow. So from now on I am going to make a deal with a doctor on a 1-5 pain threshold scale when they say pain free, and if they lie I get too:

1. I get to thump you on the noggin.
2. I get to pinch that tender spot on the back of your arm
3. I get to punch you square in the nose
4. I get to kick you in both shins wearing pointed boots
5. I get to jump up and down on your genitalia while wearing sharpened golf spikes and carrying a 100 pound backpack.

Now mr. man, how much is this really going to hurt??

Dear Sanjay, Oops, real name.

2006-12-07T00:54:00.000-08:00

Hello. You wish to pop in, act tough, and run. Congradulations. you want to scream racist, very typical, you wish to pretend to be smart, good luck, You like to act tough, yet missed.

No, I do not agree with everything Aaron Clarey writes. No, I am not anywhere near as conservative as Aaron, but I can respect him, as opposed to you. I think your village was founded by its idiot.

Aaron, though extreme, puts his own photo on his blog. He says what he believes. He is unafraid to do so, this is a respectable trait.

You; posed as him, used his photo, posted things as yourself yet pretended to be him , presenting them as his words. You; are a coward. You; hide behind a mask, and hope no one ever knows. You got sued for doing so, and promptly changed everything, wrote in third person, altered the photo, even changed the name of the blog. COWARD. IF YOU BELIEVE IN IT, STAY THE COURSE.

Mostly since the second you got in trouble, you did not man up, apologize and admit being wrong, you hid. You claimed parody, when you forgot to mention that you:
A. Were not actually someone else. Even used their name and photo.
B. Had zero humor in what you wrote.
C. Represented your perspective as someone else's words.

This is not parody, this is identity theft, this is libel, this is incredibly weak.

Here I am.

Here are my views on some subjects. March 31st 4 republicans . Who are you???

I am real, you would really say nothing if you sat across a table from me. It would require quick thought, which is beyond you. It would require looking another man in the eye and being a man, something you have proven you are not. Sitting there you would have to face a real consequence, the chance I may lean over and bitch slap your liberal ass back into the 60's where you might be lay-able. Actually, the liklihood.

Personally, I hope your great grand kids Work 3 jobs, live on food stamps, welfare, and hold PHD's, trying to pay off your arrogance, trying to pay off your lawsuit of cowardice. I hope I get called to testify that you did indeed pose as Aaron, that you did represent yourself falsly, that you are in fact a coward, a liar, and the worst that can happen, you earned.

Not because you are predictable and scream bigot, a person like you has nothing else to use as a shield, and since you know shit about me, my family, or anything else, it is your only weapon as well.

Run little girl, you have nothing here, you are my #1 fan (thank you stat counter) and read me daily, Run. Learn what Jesse and Al have never learned, just because I hate you, does not make me a bigot, it makes me smart, makes me see through you.

The biggest weakness you possess, is a desire to remain anonomous while spouting crap. Post something as yourself, show yourself. expose and actually be vulnerable to attack, as yourself. Aaron, who you hate yet have never met, (I have, and will withhold personal opinion at this point) at least has the balls to do this. You hate this, since you do not have the same balls yourself.

So last thoughts since laptop is dying and I can not get up to plug it back in yet.

Run bitch. RUN. Hide at Berkley. You are playing adult games, and are not ready. This one would hurt you, the other one is suing you, and all of this.............. Is admissable.

Bored??? Build

2006-12-01T12:20:00.000-08:00

What to do on a cold day in a warm climate?? build something. As explained I have become the wine manager, so aside from daily ass kissing phonecalls begging me to sample product, pick up product, or generally not tell some wine rep with a sales quota they are falling short off that something sucks. I get an abundace of wine crates.

So rather than be cold outside in a dog park or something like that, I decided this morning to actually recycle something. So i built shelves, ugly aren't they???

3 down, 3 to go.

2006-11-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

Still sliding though the holiday season doing my best to pretend they are not really here. Yup, seasonal unhappy is in full swing this year. I do not know why, but this year I am kinda OK with em, maybe because I had a year off from them last year, maybe because I have more than enough else to do I can ignore it for the most part.

Maybe its because we are having fun days In the courtyard where someone met another chi today, missed that photo op since the second she saw a dog smaller than her, she went up the stairs as fasts as a tripod can do em (actually she handles stairs quite well.)

Also proud as hell of this three legged pup.
She is back to crate life when I leave for work, mostly because she can JUMP ON A COUNTER?!?!? No lie, someone decided she deserved a loaf of bread and half the box of dog buiscuts tuesday night. So she went up there and got em..... washed em down with the tub sponge to boot, seperation anxiety............ Guess we all get it, and make bad choices when we have it. Still learning from a 3-legged dog.

Todays side note: Wine tasting during transfer showed a sweeter wine than hoped for, we have 6 more weeks of in canister fermenting to go so hopefully the yeast will suck down more of the sugars and add lovely alchol content. Looked at a 6 gallon set up so maybe thats what I will give myself for chistmas, thinking a cab/shiraz for attempt #2, that offers a 30 bottle yeild which I will self label if I do and send around, still months off so keep your addresses for now, Cuz we all know your all dying to sample some of my bad wines (ok no idea if bad yet or not, but it is your crap shoot if you volunteer).

Learning some trust.......

2006-11-18T22:08:00.000-08:00

Ok so we are hanging out when I am not working (both hours a day) and For some reason yesterday I decided the little tripod needs some trust. I mean really, she is borderline defenseless, guessing maybe she should be much more scared than I am on any topic. So I allowed her to stay free (no crate) while I was at work.

End result? one shredded paper towel from the trash. (Anyone can suggest a toy to replace that do please speak up)And an accident which from a chi, *yawn*

So I took her for our tri+ daily walk and brought her back, well where I live its gated, with courtyards, and a gazebo. So I bring her into that area and a party is going on downstairs and around the corner and all these people are in the gazebo. Well they did offer the beer and after my day?? why not? So We hang out when my friend JT with his boxer (see earlier post for photo)and Lefty got all kinds of excited this time, no growl, no tried to get off leash. So instead, I took her off leash and let those two go play.

She bit the boxers upper lip, stole a stick, hid in a bush........ had a great time for a dog. Eventually even hopped in my lap to make sure I was OK listening to JT re-count a 700.00 night (bartender). So our new thing 2x a day, I sit in the gazebo and let her roam. Every 5 minutes or so I call her and she comes right back, gives kisses and runs off to play again.

I think we are a week or so from the dog park..... watch out world, Gimpy is coming outta her shell.

Tonights post brought to you by Oxford vineyards.... the cab shiraz blend is actually quite good at a whole sale of 3.76, Color me shocked.

Adventures in Management

2006-11-17T11:11:00.000-08:00

Ok so I am gonna keep up with fun work stories, since i am the 'wine manager' which only means really i can not get saturday nights off since I have to count the wine, alot of these will seem to have wine involved, since with the title the staff runs to me with every wine issue. So, last night a waiter comes up to me and tells me we are out of a wine this woman ordered and would i speak with her, sure..... dammit.....

"Good evening I understand you wanted the valley of the moon syrah tonight, and I have to apologize but it appears as though we have sold the last bottle already this evening. I do apologize for the incovienence but I am sure we can find a suitable replacement on the menu."
*Woman reads it like its god's words on how she should be living her life*
"No, I will just have water."
"Are you certain maam? We have many comparable in the same price range, I am sure we can find one to your liking, I am willing to even offer the comparables if more expensive at the Valley price, just my way of apologizing for the product being out of stock."
"Nope, I just want water."
"Maam, even jesus went water to wine, noone goes wine to water."
30 seconds of shock later
"Give me the wine menu, I will take that one....."

Fun number 2, I realized most of our chef's are ...well.... Big guys, so I decided last night we need to start an internation chef sumo competition. By the end of the night it became more like the WWF just because
A. the idea of them in a diaper, though funny.... repulsive.
B. There was alot more time consumed thinking up costumes and special moves for the chefs, our executive chef gets to be 'big' John Baker, with his special move being the 'schucker' and would involve pulling his opponents head backward by the upper jaw.... The latin Chef loved being the mexican wrestler with the cape and mask so long as i kept his signature saying 'And I will break you over my knee... lika dis'
c. In a wwf type setting i get to be the manager who jumps in the ring and hits someone with a chair only to get beat up for my effort...

just think of it.... 'Off the top rope he hits him with.......... a spatula. Fun stuff.

The Corporate chef was in and thinks i should write it a screen play..... Chef's lose their annual bonus due to something out of their control, so become wrestlers to make up money they had already spent......... Anyone know how to write a screen play??

P.S. we had doggie day so far, someone discovered she loves the car, petco, and patio's that allow dogs with waitresses who sneak her french fries and Salmon scraps......

Long road Ahead

2006-11-16T00:17:00.000-08:00

Gonna be a long road ahead, yes my three legged chihuahua is a bit skiddish. Today we went for one of our walks (hops) and the boxer photo'ed earlier came running up, now this is a sweetheart of a pooch and all she was doin was saying hi, and too her credit, even as lefty went ghetto on her just wanted to make friends. Well lefty got off her leash with a weird series of twists and ran.

I caught up to her across the street (spooked since noway a car would see her) and had to calm her down and coax her back to me. She did but was weirded out.

Another oddity, she really wants to walk and sniff the ground while walking but can not, since minus a paw its more like dragging her face on the ground. Along with her being very ( I know it sounds weird) shy when her hollow shoulder is exposed around strangers. Bandana the agency had bought her today on she is much more lively, without it she is almost timid. It is odd seeing a dog be aware, Odd seeing a dog that has been humbled like a beauty queen with burns from a car crash.

I guess all of us get like this when we realize we are exposed, human or dog.

Tommorrow we start working on fun games like 'shake the imaginary paw' for now she is fine with the follows me everywhere and jumps into my hands when she runs up to me when I come home, whoz ma gurl??? Also, she will neither eat or drink unless I am right there in the kitchen while she does so, this could be a long term issue if we can not get past this. Instability does weird things to things, and a prideful, champion potential removed, can not be adopted, foster homed for 6 months dog, I guess that has to do something, even to a dog. Well she is home now, I do not believe in disposable pets, losing 2 in a year has definitely reinforced that for me, you love it, and no matter what, you love it, take care of it.

And who would not want to protect this??
I still need a doberman puppy to keep her company/protect her...... though seeing her nip at a dog 5x her size without fear was a refreshing sight. Helps with my 'protect my own and fuck the rest' belief.

Yes there will be dog posts coming, hell Gringa gets to post on chickens and eggs. Been years since I have had one, and this one is special, leg or no leg.....

Pretty girl

2006-11-15T12:16:00.000-08:00

Welcome the newest member of the liar_Liar klan....... Anne Marie AKA:DNB.

Anne Marie is a full blooded Chihuahua, 3 years old and possibly the sweetest dog ever. She became my birthday present to me today, after an extremely long time debating with the people at CAP over whether I am ready for a pet or not.

Do I look ready???

After walking 15 dogs and saying 'ok how bout this one??' "Ok sir, oh wait, this one is a female adopter only" "A friggin what? Ok than how bout that one?" "Ok sir lets see here.... Alergic to cotton, do you have any cotton in your home??"

And so on and so on, I still say adopting a child would be easier except kids do not lick your chin to say they are happy and if they do, well you got a bad one there....

So anyway after all this I met this little critter, and if you met her, you would have snatcher her right up too. See Anne Marie was hurt as a young dog,which had to be a disappointment to the original owners since she is apparently of champion stock, and had to cost a fortune, but apparently the original owners had some monster of a kid who had jealousy issues, with the dog, so the bastard shattered her right fore leg to the point it had to be removed. his Loss cuz now I get to hang out with my new little buddy, my 3 legged chihuahua, I think i will call her Lefty.

A week in review

2006-11-10T22:42:00.000-08:00

In the life of a restaurant manager:

As pointed out for a long time I was living in a manner where the strangeness of things sometimes did not jive with what I have always considered normal, I.e. people tried to be nice all the time, friggin weirdo's I know. So I think we need to add to the blog an occassional week in review, now that i get to actually say something without the whole place gasping for air when I do again.

1. Standing at the bar chatting about how much my bartender lost on all these college teams who can not seem to cover a spread when these creepy aussie walks up: 'ummm, you look to be a man about town here, where would a gentleman like me find a ummm, well, ahhhh, lady companionship??'
"Sir, are you asking me if I know where you can find a hooker?"
"no no no no no no no, well, you know mate, just a friend for the evening"
"Well, last I checked they were sorta mobile but I am willing to bet you could order one to come meet you online."
"I know that, but I prefer not to do something like that"
"why? its almost like ordering an orgasm from a sears catalog"
"Look, I just want directions, know anywhere??"
"No, but I could guess, try the all nude bar, Willing to bet the naked chicks are always looking for side jobs. there is one on this street, maybe 3-4 miles from here, i can call you a cab"
"Thanks mate, here's for your trouble"
hands me 3 dollars. 3.
"LOL, sir, if thats how you tip..... You might wanna try crack row."

2. Man and 'woman' sit at a table and they start exploring the wine list, she wants far niete, 250.00 a bottle. He wants williamette, 57.95 a bottle, and they back and forth, see where the issue lies?? So finally he says, 'GOD, I need to use the restroom, order something decent" meaning reasonably priced I bet. So she orders a bottle of 01 Opus One, 285.00 a bottle. the server brings it, the man see's it just as the cork pops, and looks, shall we say, unhappy at the hookers order (yes she was a hooker, and apparently one who planned on a full nights pay in some form or another).
"Cough, Cough, i think the bottle has turned.... that stuff is terrible."
Server freaks and grabs me, aw shucks.
"Sir" post tasting" the Wine is perfect, its the perfect temperature, it has a crisp finish, please what is the problem with the wine?"
"Maybe its just not my taste, it had a funny taste to me, almost rubbery" (Are you INSANE???)
"Ok sir, maybe we could find you something more to your liking, what would you care for?"
An order of J Lohr later (52.50 a bottle) he is drinking his swill happy as pie. Well now I have an uncorked bottle of 01 Opus one, thats been in our cellar for over a year so it is unreturnable, comp'ed so the store gets 50% credit for it, and one very annoyed Hooker on my patio. Whats a restaurant manager to do?? Nothing, Its 1 a.m., I am off, and the Opus one is Friggin awesome.

You did not believe for a second I was throwing that away did you??

And we move into stage 2

2006-11-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

Fermentation. My first gallon of wine!!!

I know how exciting is that?? not very, but heck, I said I want to learn how to do this and damn it I am.

I had to syphon the fluid from the fermentation container 1 (a bucket, nothin but the best round here folks) to the air tight fermentation. The funny thing on top is half filled with water so no air can get in but the CO2 can escape. Apparently Air is now my enemy in the process. It must spend 3 weeks sitting like this, and then either be moved into a secondary container like this or back and forth between the bucket and here. This removes the dead and bloated (drunk) yeast from the batch and will slowly start to become clearer and less cloudy.

Also I had to top off the mix since I do not want the very bottom portion of the mix, since thats where the heavy sediment lays so we have topped off with Rombauer Zinfendel grown in the shadows of mount St Helena, thats right, we have tossed a worship to the volcano gods into the mix. Thank you Wine reps, keep the supply coming :)

Cheers.

Dolphin may have 'remains' of legs

2006-11-07T00:22:00.000-08:00

Actually they found one with them 'developed'.

Guess the idea they might be trying to come back ashore has not occurred to a 'scientist'.

Sigh.

Things i do:

2006-11-06T23:50:00.000-08:00

I get anxious. Do you not? how do you react? I react by getting more anxious. the cause explodes if not put out. The topic becomes huge, If I get anxious the cause is usually outside my realm of control, and not having any control becomes a monster issue in my head. Something to work on, though not 100% certain how too.

I get mad. Not like just mad, but like looking or a vent, do not dare get in my path mad. Rabid dog mad. I wanna eat children, go after the family, find something else to hurt mad. Could do anything to almost anyone mad. Bad part is i actually do not wish to harm others, so it boils and brews and bubbles inside. Something to work on, though not 100% certain how too.

I get scared. Not much really scares me, I have no fear of dying, dared death too many times. Have no fear of pain, thats a normal day for me. Snakes, (but still took one on fucker), spiders, (still looking for one worthy of my assault), and one other thing. The one I seem unable to conquer. Something to work on, though not 100% certain how too.

Love my intraspects, now if they would just love back.

A happy day, possibly one of the happiest. Pics seem to be the blog du jour.

FYI: the wine is fermenting well as near as i can tell (should have used clear wrap.). Sounds like a new bottle of pepsi just opened. 3 days til i get a chance to see the color of my frankenstein-ish concoction. My next batch will be brewed with 1/8th the water as Coffee. Since I have no control on the soil used (gives wines alot of its subtle flavors) I will have to *force* my will on it. Batch 2 will be coffee foward.

And we now have a hobby

2006-11-01T14:31:00.000-08:00

Not quite the way I originally planned on learning how to do this. I really wanted to see if I could grow the grapes myself and raise it from the beginning to the end but heck, we all gotta learn things somehow. So for now its kitchen sink version and small batches (doing a 1 gallon to start).

Has a potential to be a 13.9% by volume, which is apparently lofty for a first timer like me (per the hippy in the wine shop)As is doing a first wine from grapes not concentrate (will try one of those too, just to see) but hey, aim high or do not shoot.

Today I made a 1 gallon batch of Zin. It will spend 10 days fermenting in the bucket before I have to move it through a syphon into the glass jug next to it. Then its a 3 month process of moving it back and forth to remove sediment. But 4 months or so from now I will get 5 bottles of my own Zin from this. Once I clear the bucket i am thinking of trying a pinot/merlot blend, not like its too time consuming minus squishing grapes.

This is going to be a good lesson for me. Its really hard for me to be patient with things. I am one of those, decide, do, types. Once I make the decision then let's get on with it. Well this requires ALOT of patience. And believe you me, I wanna bottle the stuff now and get to the sampling, but it has to sit, it has to ferment, it has to mature. Guess I am more a batch of wine, not a bottle. The yeast tickles. The sitting and fermenting kills. But heck, you gotta age it, otherwise there would be no vintage wines out there. Still wish I had at least a sip of the 96 silver oak, my previous piece of patience and waiting.

Chateau C&C hate factory is now up and running.

Pass the cheese, who needs a re-fill

Holiday season is upon me

2006-10-31T10:31:00.000-08:00

I hate this time of year, Did I say Hate?? I meant HATE. From the second what we call the 4th quarter begins, on through new years. October 1 on.

I always have, I can not ever remember being excited about the run of holidays I have to somehow get through without feeling sad. I understand hiliday depression is common, I also know that with them all so crunched together it makes alot of people anxious. I am just not convinced that it what bothers me. I have had times where I just tried to make the best of it. I even have some memories of incredibly wonderful holidays, usually when I break tradition. Maybe its part a lack of any tradition of my own, outside of disappearing.

I generally do not like holidays anyway. If it is a gift giving one, i always go on some kind of quest for the perfect gift, not sure if I have ever succeeded but always try to produce a perfect something.

Valentines?? I flash through hundreds of conversations and try to produce the perfect romantic scenerio, exactly what the other person wants, would like, would make them know they are special. Again,I either over look one important factor, or wind up just cooking for myself.

Don't even ask me about easter........ friggin rabbit.

But this stretch, Halloween, 2 weeks, Birthday, 2 weeks, Thanksgiving, 2 week hanukka, 1 weeks Christmas, 1 week New years. Maybe its too much too fast, maybe it's too much trying to be 'family', maybe I just feel lonely during it. But I still find myself hating it again.

But I have remembered i do love dogs...... there is something.

Return of the C.

2006-10-21T23:33:00.000-07:00

I know I know, revelations is a chapter in the bible and in modern days who cares about the bible. Except as I now know, who reads this shit anyway so might as well say it all. Might as well just keep on tapping out my bad spelling and non-existant grammer revalations. Let the good times roll.

tonght i popped out a sentence I had not said in a very long time. The second I said it, I wondered why the hell not? Then I realized I am coming off the best and worst year of my adult life.

Recap: So far this year i have been fired for bad reasons (lies) while good ones did exist, but not why I was fired. ost love more times than I could count, been Layed off because I fixed things too fast and became 'obsolete' and quit a Job that paid OK because it bored me too death and being there became a monster for me. Lived in 3 cities, and generally been so unbalanced I barely know me.

Fired: Living in Denver, shit happening, and forgot what was most important. This carries over to other things, I do what I do because IT IS FUN. You get to set up a party daily. Friends come over and you make sure the food it right, they have plenty to drink, and all the guests are having fun. I have always done this, home or work, done this. And suddenly it became a job, suddenly it became second fiddle, suddenly it became a choir. moved on. Wish I could say it did not get way too deep in my head, Wish it did not mess me up going from golden child to 'must get rid of'. Which this had not shook me to my core, made me doubt who I am, what I know, and that i can do ANYTHING. Except grammer........

Quit: So the place was ghetto, done that. So the staff could care less, done that. So the bosses had no clue what to do and all looked to me to fix it since they had no clue how too, done that. The difference this time was I did not believe in the place either. It was DESIGNED to draw ghetto, if you can not see it your blind. Do not promise a future you can not deliver, I am gonna be fired one day and personally i prefer not too be, not when i have:

Layed off: Incredible offer. Points on the back side, lower salary but all kinds of creative influence. Fix the current issues so I can expand faster. Tell me when I can not afford something since I do not kow on my own. Design systems for me since I have none. All sounds great unless you solve issues too fast. Design systems faster than expected and now the 'brain' thinks you will not be needed so why give you points off of gross. Make an excuse, fuck you, and pretend to feel bad while hiding behind employees. Bitches.

So back to tonight, Had a waitress babbling about her issues and damn them and its not fair and i am in a bad mood whateverthefuck crap she whined about. Out of nowhere i recall, I do this because its FUN. I know I can earn more elsewhere. I know I can work less doing something else. But; I like what i do, I am VERY good at it. So no matter what, I do this because I like it. Something I have forgotten for all of '06, Something I can not forget again. When you forget who you are, and what you are capable of, you forget you have a soul. And if I have a soul, it wants to poke all the other souls in the eye. Just to say I did it. Insert Hip-hop background music anywhere you wanna, its the return of the C.

you do it?

2006-10-19T12:29:00.000-07:00

I get all kinds of time to stop and think about things. Driving, especially working these days since its pretty mindless at this point. Walk in circles and save people all day. Tough huh? So I have had it brought to my attention (like it was not there already) of errors I have made, ok lets call it what it is, the numerous ways I have fucked up in recent times, mostly the last year.

I destablized. I quit doing what I do best, I believed in something stronger than I believed in myself. It is a very tough intraspect to acknowledge, you fuck up, yet you do not when you think like this. Priorities get jumbled, for some reason you see the future work itself out just because, well because it is supposed too. Call it a fairy tale mindset. A person is forced to believe in what they never believed in, and now has to try to figure out if anything they have ever believed holds water. I could compare it to an atheist meeting God face to face, all of a sudden what you know for fact, becomes maybe, what you doubt, becomes possible, and let me tell you it is a weird moment to work through.

Well since I do love to share my epiphony moments, the one thing I always did that made me succeed at anything, for reasons I can not readily explain, I quit doing. Reguardless of how I debate, I do not know everything, get off the floor Phoenix. I am smart, but there are holes in my knowledge base. Dispite my past actions, I am not invincible, lucky maybe, but not invincible. Most sadly I know I am not the 'lone wolf' type i always maintained in my head, I do actually need others, as much as I hate asking for help, or feeling alone when I am, sometimes we all do need it, and yes, I do feel that way.

Now the thing I can say I do better than anyone I have ever met, the thing I do that has always made me suceed, whether it be work, or hockey, or anything. I am willing to go further, dig deeper, try harder, than anyone on this planet. Its like a Bugs and Sam moment where they run back and forthe going from a stick until they build up to cannons. Who will go just that one more step. That is me, that is what makes me how I am, makes me better. When I play hockey I always told my teammates, who are still begging me to return, I am not the best player by any stretch, i do not have the best vision, shot, wheels, anything. My job is to make the other team work harder than they want too. My job is to make them test their nerve, will, and drive. And from this we were a better team than we were based on skill alone.

When I was last in Houston and working for Baker Street, i made my assistants better by setting a pace they did not want to work, but if I was doing it then they had better at least keep up. And we did some great things.

When I coached, I drove my will into these kids and made them want it more than the other teams. And they did what they had no business doing, winning.

So excuse the slow postings, I have things I need to make work, things i need to push further than skill or brains or anything else can take them. I need to work from my strengths, and quit letting my weaknesses shine. Time to let insticts take back over, the unstoppable force is going through the immovable object......

A history of good enough

2006-10-14T11:20:00.000-07:00

It is very interesting to me how sometimes in life you hear how you can not do things. I find it odd since the person saying it is probably the last one who should be, and this includes ourselves. An interesting observation I once knew that for some reason I keep forgetting; When you are in a position of strength people flock to you, trying to feed off of it, when you are in a position of weakness and look for someone to help you regain strength? The people you felt you can depend on flee, and others shock you. In my life, I can think of 3 who have said this to me too many times, and I think it is about time I said I do not agree.

The first is my father, the war hero with no specific story to tell on why he is, but god damn it he is. As far as I know, he never fired a weapon, stormed the hill, or saved the whatever. But he is the war hero. I will never measure up. I will never understand. I can never do anything important enough to be half the man he is. I recall gorwing up, being threatened if I did not do the little bullshit we make kids do, was never please, was always an order. Military don't ya know. He was never home, was never a kind word, was never a role model, was never a father. I dispise that I still carry a stigma on this, I dispise that maybe, somewhere in my head, I sabatoge myself because the easiest way to get along with him is to let him feel right. I do not know if I can break the cycle, but for the forst time I know how that relationship works. Also, for the first time, I can say out loud, I carried your weak ass through a fucking divorce, I have never asked you for a thing in my adult life except respect me, and if it is not there, Neither am I.

The second is me. Sounds funny but it is true, I push myself down, I fear doing more, doing better, doing something successfully. I take it to a point, and run. I take it to a point, and freeze, I know 200x what I allow others to see, I can do more than anyone on this planet knows. Somewhere in my head, I revert to the 6 year old who was left behind with his face in the dirt. Somewhere in my head I do not know how to fight back or really wish for once someone else would for me. Just once. Call it abandonment issues, call it repressed feelings, but for some reason I am so much better at encouraging others, bringing the best out of others, than I am with myself. For some reason I fight for others, and let myself take the beating. I used to train door men telling them if some is to take the hit it is me, you prevent the second one. And I always took the hit. I am realizing the only real person who can say I can not is me, and I refuse to ever accept it again. No. More.

The third is tricky, they say it when they are stressed, and sadly I gave this power to them, mostly because they said they would not abuse it. Revalations are very hard when they are close to the heart, when they are right in front of you. Especially when they mean so much. But god damn it, no. more. I can see my reality and it is no longer through my eyelids.

If I have to scream it from skyscrapers, If I have to do a media buy and say it on national TV. If I have to take it on the chin, it will no longer be hit the dirt, wipe my face, and pretend like nothing hurts. I am sick of hiding, I will not. I am sick of pretending like everything rolls off me like I am scotch guarded, I am not. Mostly I am sick of being told what I can do and what I can not, so stick around and see what I can do, or hide and believe that its nothing. I will no longer be the one who is afraid, I will no longer be the one who lets the indoctrination of my parents rule me, I leave that for those who can not.

Today, Tommorrow, I can.

First day's

2006-10-12T00:18:00.000-07:00

I remeber both of my first days in Texas. First go round I was about 12, all full of my New York, ' I aint taking nothin from no one' self. I walked to the only store I could possibly make the walk too, and crossed what I learned was a bayou. If you do not know a bayou is a riverway of sorts, usually used for storm run off and to keep the city of Houston from drifting off into the Gulf of Mexico. Well I am on this very narrow bridge when some Billy Bob is coming from the other side and i try to make room and he tells me to move. Now no self respecting kid from New York is going to take this so I tell him, 'um, you move, or make room at least.'.

All I recall is a 30' drop, yells of Yankee from above, and some cold water and sharp rocks piercing my skin. Welcome to Texas, I may be 4 years older but I will hit you, U.S.of A.

I pulled myself out and finished the walk to the store to get my school supplies, but I did learn. I learned that sometimes you do have to take a certain amount of shit to get to the other side. We all do wish to just make it to that other side.

My next first day was filled with happy memories of food, phone calls to old friends to let em know I have returned. Not the conquering hero but definitely a return. Pleasant hopes for tommorrow, exhaustion after 2 long days of driving, but an eye on tommorrow. It is always a day away is it not? So I went out with my oldest friend, one I met not long after my sudden drop into sewage and a week long limp. We went out and I had to figure out that the ideal of my return to most was much better than the truth of it. Alot of people here owed me for one thing or another, but myself prescribed code means much more to me than them. A huge troupe showed up, but they were more looking for a reason to get crazy for a night than happy to see me. Now I did not expect a parade, not by any means, a little ticker tape would be nice though. Since then those I thought I could count on, I can. To want to get nuts for a night, not pull things that I broke back together like some mother goose eggman. Those who wanted me back, have no time to actually enjoy the reality of it. Sometimes something means much more to you than i does to others.

So I guess I have learned, sometimes how you see things may not be completely correct, but I still want to make it to the other side of this damn bridge. So, 'Excuse me kind sir, do please walk on by' I have things I need to pick up, not fall on.

I think I am the lost Beastie Boy.

2006-10-11T00:37:00.000-07:00

Well I am a skinny Jew, I have a punk rock background, I am on the verge of certifiable, I am mostly there.

Well Now don't you tell me to smile
You stick around I'll make it worth your while
Got numbers beyond what you can dial
Maybe it's because I'm so versatile
Traffic the rythm's i bring to you
down south boy yet i am still a jew
Bring your whole Klan, i brought my crew
style comin next what ya gonna do?
Style profile I said
It always brings me back when I hear Ooh Child
From the Hudson River out to the Nile
I run the marathon til the very last mile
If you battle me I will revile
People always say my style is wild
You've got gall you've got guile
To step to me I'm a rapophile
If you want to battle your in denial
Coming from Uranus to check my style
Go ahead put my rhymes on trial
Cast you off into exile

Intergalactic planetary
Planetary intergalactic

Jazz and Awol that's our team
Step inside the party disrupt the whole scene
When it comes to beats well I'm a fiend
I like my sugar with coffee and cream
Well I got to keep it going keep it going full steam
Too sweet to be sour too nice to be mean
On the tough guy style I'm not too keen
To try to change the world I will plot and scheme
Mario C likes to keep it clean
Gonna shine like a sun beam
Keep on rapping cause that's my dream
Got an A from Moe Dee for sticking to themes
Capital C will bring it smart
don't listen to the A it's not sharp
comin hard and comin tart
Phoenixes blog stinks just like a Fart
When it comes to envy y'all is green
Jealous of the rhyme and the rhyme routine
Another dimension new galaxy
Intergalactic planetary

Intergalactic planetary
Planetary intergalactic

From the family tree of old school hip hop
Kick off your shoes and relax your socks
The rhymes will spread just like a pox
Cause the music is live like an electric shock
I am known to do the Wop
Also known for the Flintstone Flop
Tammy D getting biz on the crop
Beastie Boys known to let the beat... drop
When I wrote graffiti my name was Slop
If my rap's soup my beats is stock
Step from the tables as I start to chop
I'm a lumber jack DJ Adrock
If you try to knock me you'll get mocked
I'll stir fry you in my wok
Your knees'll start shaking and your fingers pop
Like a pinch on the neck of Mr. Spock
Carry my jock and you will see
the weight alone will break you knee
don't be messin with the king Bee
i'll break you down as the capital C

Intergalactic planetary
Planetary intergalactic
Another dimension do it

We all need a hobby

2006-10-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

Ok so I am moving to a place of zero tv (that I can understand anyway) and gonna be learning the lay of the land for a few months and getting all spanished up. So I keep thinking, I need a hobby. Well the one i came up with to date is I wanna learn how to make wine, not re-invent the wheel, i like the stuff i buy here, just reproduce a bit of it for personal consumption for me and the missus. Without going blind mind you.

So I been reading the process and looking at grapes (kick ass, zin grapes like it hot, knew I loved zins) and reading all the 'so you wanna learn how to make your own wine' things I can and have pretty much gathered expect a few failures. Start very small. Induce vomiting if its really that bad.

but I really think this could be fun, we all start somewhere. I was reminded of common acquaintence (less so me)who is actually going to school for this and after a year in school he still produced crap. Did I say crap?? sorry crap, did not mean to down grade you that much. But at current? I am still thinking if a grape can survive the sand flies and me, gonna have to do it. besides, want else am I gonna do after Bound sends me off to live with a honduran family for 4 weeks to beat spanish into me like its the inquisition and I am a heretic? "I believe, i believe..... what do you mean say it in spanish.....dammit"

Punch Drunk Girlfriends

2006-08-04T01:23:00.000-07:00

Just a short i wrote.... makes me laugh when i re-read......

As a boy I was always taught from a very early age that hitting girls was not acceptable to the point of where if I witness a girl getting hit I cannot stand by and watch or look the other way. Fastest route to have the fathers of the neighbor hood come down on you like a ton of bricks was easily hit any daughter. Not just her father but all fathers would get a lick or two in. Since I was a boy I have never once made a threatening gesture towards a woman no matter how pissed off I found myself by her, no matter what the situation, I can take the slap and walk away.
In my mid 20’s I had this belief structure tested and made myself really stop and think about how far this can go, as always it revolved around a girl. The girl, Nikki, was a tiny little thing, hot body and fun loving. Shocking as this may be but a stripper going to school that was a lot of fun to have around, always game for a drink and a good time, clothing was always an option even if it was just while making dinner (and a few times answering the door for a pizza, where was she when I delivered??). We could lay around all day and watch funny porn, midgets, fat chicks, obscenely sized male members to the point of comedy or go out dancing all night and see who could get the most phone numbers with the loser having to do whatever the winner wanted which of course meant sex. I cannot recall looking backward of a day we were not laughing and playing and doing something or nothing fun.
Then one night we went out drinking and running around acting silly and would have been like any normal night where one wonders how I ever got home. Walking in the door she was inside and I turned around to lock the door to keep us in for the night asking if she wanted me to make us something to snack on when suddenly my head hit the door so hard I collapsed. I have no way of knowing how long I was out or dazed (for anyone ever hit silly its kinda surreal and time disappears) but when I came too she was still standing over me screaming at the top of her lungs how I don’t understand and this or that was not fair. In my semi-conscious state I must have mumbled something that calmed or corrected whatever the issue was but she slowly calmed down and smiling resumed and do I wanna ‘wink wink’ go to bed now? Granted I was contused so normal thought was not with me but somehow the whole thing turned into an almost foreplay.
It was not until days later I actually realized, I was just sucker punched by a chick. I’m not of the macho stereotype who thinks of woman as the softer species or any of that crap and have always been aware that an adult wants to, they can do some real damage to another and I don’t care what gender this starts from. I mentioned what happened to no one being that I like to think i'm smart enough not to think that I would not be tormented by any male friends who heard I was cold cocked by a girl but sad as it sounds, that’s exactly what happened. This of course made me start to question whether or not the belief structure I grew up with was realistic, how far can a person go before those ‘rules’ we live by go out the window and I get to Mike Tyson (early career) the bitch? At what point does a lady lose the circle of automatic protection even from a military, hard line ruled all American boy like me? Welcome to my conundrum.
Well weeks continued and things pretty much were back to normal when we did a pool layout day. Spent all day Saturday laying poolside drinking a few, glaring at the other apartment residents who were checking out Nikki’s way to small bikini while I burned my skin and the burgers feeling pretty much great. Sun disappears and so does her demure, walk inside my apartment and next thing I’m in a Jet Li flick called bitch with a thousand fists and I’m ducking weaving and swerving trying to avoid all of them while random…
“Honey what the fuck………..”
“Can we calm down and discuss what’s bothering…………”
“OW!! Can you just fucking back off and tell me what’s wrong”
…was flying out of mouth as fast as she could re-cock those fists and send the next barrage my way. Of course my masculine side would love to say I was Mohammad Ali in there and was weaving in and out rope a doping away, but I’m a horrible liar, the male side when discussing a fight requires us to say I got my licks in and you should see the other guy, but I never raised a hand. End result: morning after apology for the black eye and broken dishes, score Nikki 2, Me 0.
Temptation kicked in to ask my father when this rule no longer applies, so like an idiot I did what no man should ever do, sat down over a beer and tried to have a father son conversation; in a bar. As I sit across from the male figure I am in theory supposed to gain wisdom and try broaching the subject and looking for insight without having to actually tell of my problem, hot girl, lots of fun, great sex, gets drunk and beats my ass, try telling your father that one.
“So Pops, just for arguments sake when would you, I dunno, change the oil in a sports car, 3000 or 5000 miles? I mean it’s a cost versus wear question but a guy’s gotta know.”
“Me?? 3000, gotta keep those baby’s in good condition or you start to lose performance, I know when I had my little 2 seater I was in the yard every Saturday fine tuning that baby, and always kept clean oil in her”
“Cool, and another question, Been watchin a bunch of football lately and I think the Giants really have a shot this year, Simms looks good, LT is a maniac, who do you thinks got it?”
“Miami Dolphin’s, never bet against Shula, man still only one to do a perfect season, and that Marino kid has the best arm in the game, if I was betting, Dolphin’s.”
“WOW, good points pop, thanks, oh and when exactly is it ok to crack a chick in the mouth?”
“Holy mother a’ fuck, never. EVER, hey Joe commere, you ever hit a girl? What would your gunny have done to you if you smacked some girl? Yeah, mine woulda had me cleaning latrines with my tongue for a century, then sent me home for my dad to kick my ass, then brought me back just to make my life even worse, Never son, situation don’t exist.”
Thanks dad.
So I continue down my road of hanging out with this girl, who is a blast minus this funny little quirk that something snaps after a certain amount of drinks, were I get 3 weeks of great followed by a Bruce Lee imitation. It’s now gotten to the point where in her drunken rampage she knows I will not hit back so she is daring me too, taunting and trash talking and flat sticking her chin out wanting me to fight back. Granted I was young, thinking with blinkie and realize I should have been out of there on the second event but it happened, and even me suggesting we do something else besides drink, which in your early 20’s IS your hobby. Worse, I know if I just plant one right on her button she will not ever consider hitting me again, and I’m starting to think alcohol has become an excuse, not a trigger.
Well, we are now a month down the line from my conversation with the man on the mountain I affectionately call Pop’s, and things are pretty much rolling along like this where I cannot decide which version of Nikki is real and how do I get out of this since the other trigger is now me suggesting a time out or maybe stop seeing each other of something, where she now causes a scene and disturbs my neighbors by screaming to a point I’m now scared the police are coming and god knows what might come out of her mouth to them about what’s going on. I can honestly say that i am fed up, feeling trapped, and see no way out without being handcuffed (scary not sure which would be worse, by her or a cop). But I am desperately looking for the door, plotting my lease to run out and quickly moving while she is at school or work or shit, I could do it in the time she went to get a pack of Marlboros if I needed too. Were laying around, naked, watching the news and I finally decided maybe we should talk, so I gently, in a calm ‘please step away from the ledge’ voice bring up the subject while were sober enough to staaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy calm, that the violent out bursts must stop, I do not like being hit, it is not sexy, not my idea of foreplay, in fact, I think I’m going impotent from this since I do not want to touch you anymore. Sad as the words are coming out of my mouth but i am getting scared, what’s going to happen you flip out with something like….. ohhhhhh….. A frigging knife in your hand? We going Lorraine Bobbitt next?? I see no end in sight for this so either it stops or we have to not ever be around each other.
Well wonders never cease since despite my entire coo the wild beast voice, rabid dog handling technique, naked vulnerable, no alcohol in the house planning, she flips, and I mean flips out. “Motherfucker how dare you give me an ultimatum, how can you sit there and act this is my entire fault, you bring this out, you cause this, you don’t care if i am happy or sad or what I been through or how I feel for you or anything. You cold hearted bastard how dare you threaten to break up with me” with a punch at every period.
Then, out of nowhere I had the moment; we all have them, an epiphany of sorts, a realization of all the past mistakes, missteps, lack of grasping the situation as a whole. Buddha never had a moment of clarity like this, Confucius would have filled volumes with the understanding of the world, the sense of nature and oneness with the universe I felt as my nirvana descended upon me and the road lit up like the North Star guiding slaves to freedom. My way to salvation, my way to happiness, my third eye is open and I can now see!! So I reached out ever so gently making certain that in spite of her fighting and attempts to wrestle away she was firmly in my arms. I engulfed her in my being and held her so close, so tightly that her movements could easily have been mistaken and nestling in. So while holding her so, as one would a child mid tantrum, I whispered “Nikki, this is wrong, this must stop, this is not the way”, And I carried her loony ass and dropped her on her butt naked and all, at 4:30 in the afternoon, out the front door, slammed it shut, locked it, and proceeded to toss her clothes and keys and purse from the balcony informing her loud enough for witnesses to not ever, ever, come back here. I then walked inside proud of the realization, I may not be capable of striking a woman, but I can sure as fuck kick one out of my house at will.
Years later I was running a night club and was suckered into letting some frat guys throw one of their rush parties there when I saw Nikki at the bar. She was in the tail end of her MBA program and was attending since her sorority was sister house to theses frat tools. Well I spent the better part of the evening pretending I did not recognize her hoping she would not me, but around midnight I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to her staring at me.
“Hey, how have you been?”
“I have been well, keeping busy, finished school, manage this place now”
“Hey that’s great, you look great, it’s been way too long”
“Yes it has been a while, you look the same, hope all is well, you should be about ready to graduate”
“Yeah, in the fall, can’t wait, doing internships now, going to be awesome”
“Congratulations, hope it works out like you always wanted”
“That’s very nice of you too say, WOW, I can’t believe its you, we should do something and catch up, would be wonderful to fill in the years” “So……….. After I drop off my sisters I could meet you somewhere, what are you doing later?”
“Not you Bitch, anything but you.”

the fight inside

2006-07-18T13:20:00.000-07:00

Jealous........... yes i feel it, and has seemed to have been a topic of late, leaving me wondering why do i allow it to rush me and alter me?

why do feelings like this come up, no matter how much you trust the person? Is it fear of loss? lets explore, yes this does come to mind. Someone else woo's the other person, we all know in the very short term the greener grass thing gets some people. How hard is it to be perfect long enough to screw up someones head? Ever been in a dead relationship where its make up break up? Every break up had a valid reason. You left in the first place for a very good reason, or just because you knew it was wrong. Yet a few right words, proper button pushed and you want to think the other person cares enough to change. I did this when i was 17-21 with a girl. dating or not i always wound up back, and everytime, she met a 'better deal' for a second. I can say i learned, i always knew it was not a forever, but it was a comfort zone, knew what to expect even if the expectation was pain.

Is it fear of not being good enough? Yes, fits in. Am i enough to keep this person happy forever? You know, you trust, you believe, but its in them. In you, there is doubt, not in your ability to love them forever, but in What your role is/could be. Am i strong enough, am i good enough, i know its the like the old saturday night live skit, but it rattles in your head. Its a change of what drives you, before you wantto be the absolute best cuz you want to crush anyone who you feel is competeing with you. Suddenly its because you do not want to let someone else down. that can be a hard gear change. its an external source and you never really know fully what others expect..... and now you scramble to cover more than you can. Clear and defined goals??? no more, now its a searchlight checking the grounds for anything out of place.

last part?? desire to be more, better, perfect. sounds like the last one doesn't it? except this is more internal than external. its not the expectations of them you are hoping to fulfill, but the expectations you place on yourself. The actions are similiar but its more what you hink is perfect. you view your own flaws and look forthe fixes. Sadly what you see as a flaw may not be, might be what is loved to begin with. Now your fixing what aint broken.... and you are doing it according to some sick self perspective of yourself. Know what, alone i can watch the laundry pile up, the kitchen can be a bit of a mess, i can go a couple of dayswithout a razor. Know she is coming, is around, watch how often i shave. 2x a day if i feel a hair, and i barely beard.

Last, is this healthy? on one side yes, keeps you on your toes, makes you appreciate the other person, you actually want to be everything, and try. Most things fail when effort stops. i will never fail at anything that matters due to lack of effort. on the other side, its stressful. Sleep becomes harder, food becomes less important, and time delegation alters. So whats the balance? Hell if i know, i am looking for the answer myself....... feel free to have one.

A shared life

2006-07-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

I remember when i was a much younger and a guy i knew told me that marriage and the thought of it was an outdated concept. that it was developed when life expectancy was 40 and 'forever' was an idea thats easy to perceive when it means 20 years, not a second longer. this idea hit home when my B/F's father passed after 24 years of marriage, right before we graduated. This idea was pounded home when my parents divorced after 23 years. For years i used to honestly think outside of my fathers parents, i had no example in my life on how to actually make such a thing work. I looked around and saw all the people i knew come from either a home of a second marriage, or a single parent home.

I have done some long term relationships, though in them i was always the voice of dissent. Why get married? we can break up cheaper as a couple without lawyers involved! Moving in? ok, but you keep your own name!! And make sure that i never find panties hanging in the shower, i hate that. And thus i lived life, get close, no not that close... back up. Sure we can 'share' but not this, and not that, and sure as fuck not that. Oh you want more? well let me introduce you too a few people, maybe that can help. they offer more?? might wanna go that route.... i will be a witness later if needed. Get it? Refusal to share the inner most portions of myself. I looked at my parents, totally different, looked at couples who should have been twins, totally the same, neither got along for long, and thought i could not find the perfect mix, the same and the different where the mix would work. lets face facts, if you read more than one of my posts, i am nuts, so you must be sane where i am crazy. i am smart, but how i am is very directed, you would need a specific knowledge set to counter act mine.... fill in my voids. Would need to be able to laugh when i do what i do best.... act out. would need to understand sarcasm, cuz thats how i am, and not feel offended when its directed maybe toward you. understand i think in extremes, yet walk the middle.

34 years. 16 of which i have for reasons i never got had people tell me they want to spend a lifetime around me..... HEELLLOOOOOO?!?!?!? you paying attention?

never said it back, explored yes, thought what if.... could i?? never yes, just could i.

Well as is obvious i am re-thinking the world, and this is an area that is definitely explored.

Now i stand on the other side of the fence. I get to explore the way these people may or may not have felt. i doubt they did, but they definitely felt a need for developing a life plan. I always assumed i would not live long enough to make it matter, now i wanna live forever. Fucking another of gods jokes on humanity? No, his way of showing existance i guess. I find myself saying God alot more than i can ever remember before, and is never followed by dammit..... you can say one without the other? guess so.....

So i stand on my side of the street, swim in a desire, hope to not drown, and wish i had better swimming lessons as a kid. its always one foot in front of the other.... wish i could step in the street and stop traffic, but my job is to be there waiting.

So

I wait.

The Long road to finding home

2006-07-06T09:12:00.000-07:00

Back in the houston area and trying to re-learn my way around. Its odd to me i have only been gone a year and i look around and sooo much has changed. things that were always there are gone, places that were fields are now strip centers. Yet it is the same city, i have left the house 2x now to go meet people out and try to make contacts in my search to be gainfully employed in a stable manner again.... wow has that been a while,and try to keep my sanity.
Home is good, but i remembered the pitfalls of knowing alot of people. the 4th of july was family time, something i was suprised i missed as much as i did.

God how those kids have grown. God how i missed playing with them. I sat with my brother in law and heard him tell me how i need to get my old self back. How he loved to live vicariously through me. Theres the pitfall i have no intent on stepping back into it. I could go straight to rock-star lifestyle here quickly, but then the lessons of the year are wasted.

Took 3 moves and alot of bumps to make one big circle around this country. When i left I only really cared about work/career, image to a degree, money in the bank and the stuff in my house. Well most of that is gone, and i find i do not care. I made a great big circle to find humility, family, something that matter more than anything i could ever buy, no matter how fat the wallet becomes. 3 moves to find the true Adult me, yes i can still be obnoxious, yes i can still get outlandish, but when its time to go to sleep at night, when i wake in the morning, whenever i look in a mirror, i can now see the next step in the journey. I truly know where home exists. Anyone wanna grab my hand and go for a walk?

What is your second favorite feeling?

2006-06-28T16:20:00.001-07:00

obviously we all want the loved feeling. so what is your second favorite? Mine is odd, i know shocker. but i love it when i feel dangerous, when something is going or bad people look at you and decide there has to be an easier target. I get this when i am in NY. when in hondurasi had it sometimes. We walked alot and There were not so friendly places, dark areas, deserted streets. And i would look in doorways ect and see the retched, which is alot in C.A., and they looked back and looked another way. i do not know why i like this but i do.

Just now i was walking back from the store, and sitting on the corner is our local domestic abuse fuckhead. this guy has cops over more than dunkin donuts. Well he does not ask, but tells me gimme a cig. I said, uh, no, and try to keep walking. Well this piece of shit puts his grubby hand on my chest. This motherfucker of a some trailor park is looking for their role model fuck touches me. And i get that feeling, i look right in his dead grey eyes, and tell him, you think you can take it??? do.

well apparently this shit is not nic-fitting enough, because i am home and he is on his corner, but the feeling has held, i almost want to go back for another walk.

A normal day in the life......

2006-05-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

tude from her and him passed out. What a great night!

Must be the normal state of the world. And now to Blogging....... who to hate on first?